I think everyone who reads this knows of my past love affair with a certain red haired musician, that waned over time as the blinkers came off and free thinking was once again allowed. Every so often my thoughts wander back there, thinking what if, and where I would be now if certain events hadn't unfolded. Still a faithful sheep?

I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I would of found my freedom from her eventually, like waking from a dream where suddenly things make sense between the red hair, the desires for tea and love for Victorian madmen. Perhaps our separation wouldn't of been quite so abrupt, so damaging to me. I know her heart did not break when losing another sheep, I was simply lost to her. My heart was broken.

I have, however, moved on. I have embraced other aspects of my life and I've found a voice that I'm not sure I knew I had when I was hers. Ask me about something I'm sure to have an opinion, and I will happily voice it while listening to your views before agreeing to disagree and carrying on with whatever. I've been told that this is confidence. Me? Confident? Not a word I would ever have used with myself, not within the live beyond these HTML pages anyway. I hate asking at the counter for fish and chips, I always get someone else to do it instead. I don't like taking things back to shops, well, there's ebay for that anyway. I guess I think I'm the shy retiring type. But am I?

Over the last year or so I feel I have grown as a person. I have done so many new things and hope to achieve many more this coming year. Not to mention getting married, that must require some form of confidence and strength. But through my campaigning, my charity work and my own self development I have changed. I do not think for a moment that I would of achieved any of this while being her sheep. I like to think that in the nearly 2 years I have separated from her I have become what I would define as an individual.

What do I class as an individual? Someone with opinions. Someone who has developed their own sense of style. Someone who has developed their own sense of self. Someone who does things for their own interest, for what they believe, for their own personal development, to make them happy. I know there are a lot of stereotypes out there, and people believe they are sheep but within these subcultures are individuals. People with a unique view on things, with a unique opinion. Which makes them different from the person next to them.

Those in the fold (to carry on the sheep analogy) lack individuality. Which I think it somewhat ironic as followers of someone who promotes (along with hatred of men) individuality. All in uniform, following a set of almost commandments. Slowly becoming not just sheep, but clones.

A lot of these people are girls, and girls of a certain age where I feel self expression is highly important for becoming who you are going to be later in life. It's the time for discovering individuality and I feel this is being hampered. How can one seek ones individuality when they are being preached to by a broken record?

I guess this is why I am still angry. She is nothing more than a money making scheme, with sheep holding on to every word she so much as whispers, waiting (how ever long they have been waiting) for this fabled next album, the next shows, the next appearance, idea, however washed up. Blind to the fact they are being robbed in the most subtlest of ways, blind to the fact they are no longer themselves, no individual thought within.

Even for those who do escape. It's hard. The sense of loneliness and  feeling of loss. I admit, there is still a void left by the lives that have passed though, who I have laughed with, cried with, sought support with and loved. A few I still talk to, some are fading even now.

I still feel I am on my own path to being a "true" individual. I don't know how long it's going to take, but I'll let you know when I think I've got there.

I went for a walk tonight after work under the most gorgeous sky. It was all purple and pink, the moon was shining as it waxes to full and I just had a very strong desire to be outside, despite the fact it was freezing cold.

Imbolc is just around the corner and I hope to mark it properly, ritual and all. So I've been trying to write my own because I believe that these sort of things should be personal to the person, not just taken from a book and acted out to the best of ones ability. Not that I believe in overly ceremonial rituals either. I want nothing more than a simple ritual, that shows that its mine, that means something to me. So I can write it down and look back at it and use it again, or rewrite it, or reuse it in some way.

I'll explain a little about what Imbolc means for those unaware (just so you actually understand why its the basis for this blog entry!)

Imbolc is a festival of light. It is a festival traditionally in honour of the Celtic Goddess Brighd (Bride) who is a Goddess of purification, healing and fire. Its also an agriculture based holiday (back in ye olde days) as it is the time when the first lambs are born (Irish Imbolig means in the belly, and Oimelc means ewes milk). As part of the year it is a time to celebrate the growing sun following the shortest day at Yule. Candles are lit to encourage the sun in its increasing growth. 

Most significantly for me though, Imbolc is a time for new beginnings. Now I was thinking about this today while I half heartedly tried to think of my blessing for my ritual and thought it would be a good time for me to start new projects. It would be a good time for me to think again of losing weight which I have been meaning to do since New Year. Its a good time for me to start the quest to seek my true self, the one I believe is hiding under everything I am, the me that wants to come out. 

Recently my hippie/pagan urges have become stronger. I've gone back to using only Lush products (not tested on animals), I've been addicted to Omnia for a while (marching boldly to my top artist on Last.fm), and this years new years resolutions and challenges I feel are a bit more...hippie I guess, compared to the usual ones. Where I would of been previously ashamed to own anything from a charity shop, let alone wear it, I am now challenging myself to living out of them for clothes for the year. I already have my eye on a top in PDSA (this wouldn't happen normally!) 

I know something within me is changing already although I have  barely seen it to the end of January. I want to care about the world we live in, help it, help the people, animals, plans, trees, oceans and lands all on it. I am beginning to show to myself that I can go beyond the action pages on charity websites and think about what I want to do for myself. 

My current concern is the recent story from the Independent on how Mali and Tanzania want another "one off" trade on Ivory and lowering the elephants standing on CITES which would mean hunting would be allowed but only in limited amounts. I already want to write to my MP to urge the PM to oppose this. We didn't last time and the rise in poaching is remarkable. Elephants are few enough in number as it is. Any lowering on CITES etc could lead to their extinction, and having never seen one of these beautiful animals for myself, I do not want that to happen. 

I sit here writing this blog in candlelight because its what I was in the mood for. Much like my walk this morning, sometimes I need to remove myself from some aspects of modern living, almost a pagan desire. I listen to Omnia while I do this and it makes me feel, almost as I should be. 

So second of February, Imbolc, my journey begins. The quest to find out who I am. My new beginning.


Note: Blogspot (When crashing last night) seems to have killed my text default to the pretty blue its supposed to be. New Blog layout number 3 might be in order!