I thought I would write a little bit about why I want to follow these resolutions I’ve made and the main inspiration I have had. I pre-apologise to any Emilie Autumn fans reading this. Fangirls, look away now.

Since about April 2007 to Autumn (ironically) last year, I was smitten with Emilie Autumn. That woman could do no wrong, what she said and did was gospel. Slowly I fell in love with her companions, her fans, her way of life. This was a woman I was willing to wait in the freezing cold for to make sure I got to the front. On two separate occasions I did this. Admittedly with the best company to be had. But things changed. Things always change.

I had been thinking for a while that Emilie wasn’t “all that”. There was something to her I felt was a little – off. We are now on the millionth re-release of Opheliac. One that seems to be released and released – without any promise of a new album. Things we have been promised have never showed up, how long did it take for the book to actually be released? And the countless ancient memorabilia she just happened to “stumble” upon in her house that would instantly end up on ebay to amass a small fortune.

I fell out of love with Emilie, for all of these reasons, and her personal attack on a forum member. One of her own fans. What kind of icon does that? What kind of musician turns on their own fans like that? There was nothing in what the fan said that was angry or hate filled. It was concern. And Emilie, and Inky (whoever he actually is) turned on her and banned her from the forum. I cannot imagine ANY artist doing that. Any band, singer or musician I have met have always been kind and caring to their fans. THEY DO NOT BAN THEM BECAUSE THEY DISAGREE WITH SOMEONE OR TAKE SOMETHING THE WRONG WAY.

I felt that that was the final straw that broke the camels back. I was gone. No idol of mine could ever be like that. I could not support someone who I already saw as money grabbing, treat their fans like shit. I await the protests saying that no, not she doesn’t treat you like shit. She showers tours and cover versions of songs and items in auction that go for hundreds of pounds and the book. Oh praise the book! But it is my firm belief that she is one of the most manipulative people ever. I do not deny that she may have had a hard life and this is her big break. I don’t know her well enough for that. But as a prior fan, and as a fan to many other bands, I have never ever known anyone to charge so much for her items, CDs, limited editions, VIP Tickets, Bundles with the Book. No one who really appreciates their fans would do that.

So I fell out of love with Emilie. This force who had been such a huge part of my life for the last 2 and a half years was expelled. I stopped listening to her, I stopped visiting the forum and I did what I never thought I could do. I sold my CDs. Every single limited edition I saved for, bought lovingly, had got signed by Emilie at every London gig she had done to date. And I had a void. I felt free almost, as if I had been released from some spell. I could see the world again and there was something more beyond Emilie and everything else.

But for those the few months after I left everything, I was beginning to feel lost. I had been part of this huge community where I had friends, with so many interests and so many things were brought to my attention through them. And who could forget the joy the International Meet Up brought. I met so many of these people and thinking back to that day still warms my heart. So I was lost. I felt like I had nothing to do. I read books, I had ideas for my own novels appear in my head. I listened to new bands. I went abroad. I got engaged. Slowly I found that Emilie wasn’t everything. I did have more.

However, I knew there was more out there. I want to rediscover myself now I am free from the Asylum. I still feel lost as if all sense of my being has been moulded into this other being. One I couldn’t recognise. And so my resolutions this year are more of a survival for after the Asylum. Over the next 12 months, and beyond, I hope to become the person I crave to be. With my inner hippies, geeks, history nerds. I want to experience new things in life, travel, see the country I now call home. Spend time with friends and save up for my wedding. All this is doable now. 

I can and will be me.