And this time I mean it.

It's 2012 and I don't think I stuck to a single of my resolutions, if I even made them. I seem to have started that blog entry but never quite got round to posting it. Oh well.

I've been trying to make an effort to get to know myself a bit better. Although 2011 was largely taken up with "omg wedding!" it was a bit of a challenge. I'm not sure if I do know myself any better than I have done. I feel more comfortable in my beliefs, of that I'm sure. But what about the rest of me?

Well I haven't got a new job. It's very difficult to find one at the moment - and trust me I've tried looking. I am very unhappy in my current job. I think everyone who knows me knows this. I've been there for four years now, internal situations are going from bad to worse and I don't foresee it getting any better. I need out - for my health, my mental well being.

I guess that brings me onto my future prospects, which is something I have been thinking about recently. A friend of mine broke the news that they are planning on leaving university, doing a course I would of of thought they would have loved in a very prestigious college for the industry. But it's not what they want to do now, feeling too pressured and feeling like the work being produced isn't good enough. In short, they don't fit the cookie cutter ending they are hoping to achieve. This has struck a chord with me. At the end of last year I started to do an Open University Openings course to see how I could get on with doing proper university work.This course was nothing but an experiment - one which I have failed.

I don't think that education is for me. Don't get me wrong, I love learning, but on my own terms. I am struggling with the distance learning, with the fact I have no one really to talk to about my work beyond my tutor and some faceless entities on a forum. I don't have a class in which I can have active discussions, nor someone to turn to when I don't understand the wording of a question. I think if I want to do a proper degree then it is going to have to be back to old way, back to university which is something I cannot, and probably will never be able to, afford. Although my experiment has essentially failed, I at least have learnt my boundaries. Unfortunately it means I am back to square one with where I'm going in life. Having 4 years in the legal field under my belt kinda makes me feel as if I'm squished into this corner of the market - and it's not somewhere I want to stay.

I have probably previously said that I don't want to be a secretary, or at least no one in the local authority. I would like to be part of a company or organisation that allows people to grow in whichever way they feel would benefit them. But I could settle for a change of scenery.

I still don't know what I want to do though. I've started reading a book which was recommended to me by a friend called The Element: How finding your passion changes everything by Ken Robinson. It was recommended to me by the same friend who has decided to leave University, a decision made after reading this book. So it made me stop and thing "what are my passions?". So I sat and thought. And thought. And thought for a very long time before realising, I don't have one. There isn't one thing in this world that I could really call a passion. I have moments of being utterly obsessed with history, or art, or nature. A couple of years ago I would of said my passion was Emilie Autumn, but that vacancy had already been filled and it wouldn't have been something I could of pursued.

I don't technically have hobbies. I read, a lot. I make jewellery, when the mood takes me. I cook, largely out of necessity. What else can I say I do? I sit on Facebook. That's not a passion. I talk to friends on MSN. I occasionally write when the notion takes me or I get an idea. I'm good at coming up with ideas for stories and the like but they never get anywhere. I'd like to think that perhaps my calling is to be a writer but I suck at it. Beyond getting one poem published by fluke pretty much. I used to write so much when I was younger, always writing up stories, the Phantom of Roberton comes to mind I have to say as my "epic". Now there is nothing inside me that wants to create the story. I get so far, think it's crap and give up. And I think that is a problem with a lot of my life, with anything I have taken up, if I'm not good at it I give up. I have given up on a lot of things. I could list everything I've taken up in the last few years but the list would be too long!

I really want to get to the end of this year, being in a new place. I want to be in a new job, I want to have found this elusive passion of mine. I want to have a future I can see actually happening. I want to be happy, that's essentially what it all boils down to. I've got married, I have an incredible husband who I know will support me.

I think it's about time I took charge of my life. 2012 is the year I finally get happy!

It has been a while since I’ve done a blog, and one or two things have happened since then!


Firstly, I am now a Mrs! Which is very exciting in it’s self. 7th August Andy finally made an honest woman out of me and we’ve been Husband and Wife nearly two months. Which is lovely! Life is just as it was, and everything is perfect. I’m very happy to be with him. 


The wedding it’s self was a beautiful ceremony, we had a pagan handfasting as I had wanted. Of course the day it’s self wasn’t without hiccups, what with a few days before we thought our celebrant was going to end up cancelling, my mum’s dress fell apart on the day and the big one – it rained! Never mind, it’s lucky apparently…Everything else went to plan and I don’t think I could of asked for anything different. 


Afterwards we went to the Lake District for a week. We went walking, boated around the lake and ate a plethora of lovely food. No wonder I’ve put so much weight on…only draw back was I came down with a cold, and I did burst into tears in fear while I tried to tackle Go Ape! Not my cup of tea I’m afraid to say, but I tried. And I think that’s the important bit. I loved it, and I do really want to go back :)


So I came back and ended up back in the standard run of the mill routine of things. And I wanted more.


I had signed up to a Open University Open Day thing at Millennium Point in Birmingham and I sat and talked about what I wanted to do in the long run. So I went home with a pack and prospectus and looked through the forms and courses, talked with Andy and decided I was going to sign up to a Openings Course, to see if I was ready to get back into Education. So the forms are long gone, and although I haven’t heard anything yet (this is due to a huge number of applications for various things) I’m hopefully starting that in November. Which is very exciting!!


The other new thing I’ve started to do is a pagan discussion group. I’ve been a member of the Children of Artemis online forum for a long time, and I’ve been a full time member before (and hope to renew this also…). They started a community on Second Life a few years ago and I’ve been a member on and off for a while. I’ve been more active of late but I was getting more annoyed with the lack of courses at sensible times for those in the UK. Someone suggested I started my own, which was a very silly idea to me. There isn’t a single topic I’d feel comfortable talking about in front of people in an educational way. So I decided I’d do a discussion group. I’ve done two sessions so far and I’ve loved it. I’ve had fairly good responses and good feedback so far, and I’m looking forward to my next session next week. I’ve also considered doing a course on crystals as I don’t believe there has been one on there before, but it is something I’m going to have to consider seriously at some point I think.


Since the wedding I’ve felt more comfortable in my life, I guess it’s because the huge stress has now gone and I feel like I actually have time to do things, such as go and see friends. I have felt down since the wedding too, largely due to lack of things to look forward to in the near future. It got to me, it really did and I know it might be a little while before I get over it properly. I think when you have built up to something so huge for such a long time it’s natural to feel lost for a while after. I have got  things to look forward to, huge events in November I am really looking forward to including my course starting. I’m seeing friends in a week I haven’t seen in months and I need to realise that the world hasn’t ended. I have a wonderful husband and my life isn’t totally crap. I have so much to look forward to and things are going to get better – even if they end up getting worse before (so many work based issues it’s not true…)


Next thing I’m going to work on is a magazine article for COA’s Witchcraft and Wicca Magazine, I’ve asked the lovely Tylluan Penry to help and she’s has agreed and thinks it’s lovely. So I am looking forward to that collaborative effort :)


I do hope I’m going to update this a bit more frequently now the stress of the wedding is out the way. I know I might fall by the way side when I start my course and what have you but I’m certainly going to try to keep on top of it :)

One thing that annoys me about most of the books I pick up on Witchcraft or Wicca is how many tools they say you need. How your alter should have a certain layout and how it should be filled with wonderous things that would leave a somewhat large gap in your wallet. So I tried doing it without all this but I felt like something was missing.

I don't believe that you need an idol to worship. A statue, a figure, prayer beads etc. In my opinion these are all props that shouldn't get in the way between your true connection with deity. When I'm out in nature, back against a tree, grass between my toes and water by my side I really need nothing to talk to deity or know that they are there. I do find it so much easier outside than I do inside.

Part of my developing my spirituality is trying to take time out each day to stop and meditate with deity, have a short prayer or just have something that connects me to that aspect of my life. I feel this will probably help me not stop within a month or so and get distracted by the next shiny thing that passes by. I had tried to this before but I found my mind wandered or I didn't have time etc. What I needed was something to be able to focus my energy on when I do pray or  want to connect.

So given that I can't afford to buy statues (which can be very pricey indeed), I thought - why not make one?

I saw a video on youtube last weekend by one of my favourite witchy channels and she had made some figures out of clay to go on her altar. I'm not very good with clay, I will admit, but I thought I would try something similar. Now to avoid me trying to make it with natural clay and end up painting it and making it a mess, I thought I would use Fimo polymer clay. It's something I had bought before to dabble in, when I figured out I'd done something wrong I gave up, then the next time I put it in for too long and I burnt everything I tried to make. But I wanted to do something, so I dug the Fimo out.

I started with the Goddess - I knew I'd have to mix colours for the God figure so the Goddess was easier in that aspect. I went with a very traditional shape - one which is a universal Goddess figure for pagans everywhere, and pretty easy to make. Once I had made it, and baked it I was pretty pleased with it. It wasn't perfect, far from it but it was mine, and the satisfaction I got from it was incredible. A small white figure I had made to honour the Goddess and it felt really good. I was really excited to make my God figure the next day.

Now the God is a tricky one. He's depicted mainly as a Horned God, and as my Patron is Cernunnos, this is something I wanted to depict in my figure. Generally there isn't a "simple" God figure. He's depicted as the Green Man mostly as a "simple" depiction but I wanted something to go with my Goddess, something that was similar. So I thought about it and came up with a dark green head, body and horns. The horns were the hardest bit to get right. I wanted to make them like Antlers and I am very pleased with how they came out. I made them separate from the body and glued them on after baking.

So here's my finished product!


Nothing fancy, simple figures that represent something I believe it!

I think making things for Witchcraft is brilliant. I feel like I have a personal connection to these given that I put my time, love and energy into making them. They are imperfect but perfect to me. Currently they are sat on my bookcase next to my witchy books as I lack an altar but I hope that will change in the future. I'd love to have a place to have my witchy things on, be able to use for rituals, spells or just daily devotion.

I am planning on making further things for my future altar, perhaps some symbols to represent the elements, a pentacle tile, any other suggestions welcome. Anything I do will be put on here, all witchy developments I'm going to blog about. I might also start a youtube Video blog but I'm undecided on that as yet. Will think about it over the weekend and again, keep you posted.

I do like that I'm feeling more confident in my beliefs though, and willing to put the time in to confirm them.

And now to finish on a chant I found on a website that I love.

This is a poetic response to Amanda Palmer's project 8in8's song Because the Origami.

This can be viewed here:

This song is kinda personal to me as the otherside of an event of my  life. So this is my response to my "parents" from Because the Origami (Hope that makes sense!)

I think everyone who reads this knows of my past love affair with a certain red haired musician, that waned over time as the blinkers came off and free thinking was once again allowed. Every so often my thoughts wander back there, thinking what if, and where I would be now if certain events hadn't unfolded. Still a faithful sheep?

I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that I would of found my freedom from her eventually, like waking from a dream where suddenly things make sense between the red hair, the desires for tea and love for Victorian madmen. Perhaps our separation wouldn't of been quite so abrupt, so damaging to me. I know her heart did not break when losing another sheep, I was simply lost to her. My heart was broken.

I have, however, moved on. I have embraced other aspects of my life and I've found a voice that I'm not sure I knew I had when I was hers. Ask me about something I'm sure to have an opinion, and I will happily voice it while listening to your views before agreeing to disagree and carrying on with whatever. I've been told that this is confidence. Me? Confident? Not a word I would ever have used with myself, not within the live beyond these HTML pages anyway. I hate asking at the counter for fish and chips, I always get someone else to do it instead. I don't like taking things back to shops, well, there's ebay for that anyway. I guess I think I'm the shy retiring type. But am I?

Over the last year or so I feel I have grown as a person. I have done so many new things and hope to achieve many more this coming year. Not to mention getting married, that must require some form of confidence and strength. But through my campaigning, my charity work and my own self development I have changed. I do not think for a moment that I would of achieved any of this while being her sheep. I like to think that in the nearly 2 years I have separated from her I have become what I would define as an individual.

What do I class as an individual? Someone with opinions. Someone who has developed their own sense of style. Someone who has developed their own sense of self. Someone who does things for their own interest, for what they believe, for their own personal development, to make them happy. I know there are a lot of stereotypes out there, and people believe they are sheep but within these subcultures are individuals. People with a unique view on things, with a unique opinion. Which makes them different from the person next to them.

Those in the fold (to carry on the sheep analogy) lack individuality. Which I think it somewhat ironic as followers of someone who promotes (along with hatred of men) individuality. All in uniform, following a set of almost commandments. Slowly becoming not just sheep, but clones.

A lot of these people are girls, and girls of a certain age where I feel self expression is highly important for becoming who you are going to be later in life. It's the time for discovering individuality and I feel this is being hampered. How can one seek ones individuality when they are being preached to by a broken record?

I guess this is why I am still angry. She is nothing more than a money making scheme, with sheep holding on to every word she so much as whispers, waiting (how ever long they have been waiting) for this fabled next album, the next shows, the next appearance, idea, however washed up. Blind to the fact they are being robbed in the most subtlest of ways, blind to the fact they are no longer themselves, no individual thought within.

Even for those who do escape. It's hard. The sense of loneliness and  feeling of loss. I admit, there is still a void left by the lives that have passed though, who I have laughed with, cried with, sought support with and loved. A few I still talk to, some are fading even now.

I still feel I am on my own path to being a "true" individual. I don't know how long it's going to take, but I'll let you know when I think I've got there.