“Safely away from the world, in a dream, timeless domain”

But what happens when your dreams are no longer secure. What happens when you find your dreams are under threat and there is nothing you can do to protect them, guard them, prevent them from dying.

My dreams are dying from that disease known as reality. It cripples them, and it spreads, until physically and emotionally you feel paralysed. You are so overwhelmed with lethargy that it lets the parasites in that slowly destroy your soul and soon what was your reason for being has diminished into nothing.

Slowly reality is infecting me and there isn’t a drug to prevent it.

There are the usual money worries, with the oncoming Christmas, I am worried so I’m putting off my Open University Openings Course until March. At least, that’s what I think I’m doing. I don’t know how long I have before I can cancel it. It might be too late even now. In which case I’d better start selling my worldly possessions so I can afford it.

There are job worries,and future career worries. Currently I do not know if I am safe in my job. I am getting fed up with the corruption. How there are one set of rules for one set of people, another for the rest. You never know who your friend is, you don’t know when people are going to stab you in the back, because they will. You don’t know who to trust, if you can trust anyone at all. Loopy rules and procedures have you questioning the management and you wonder if it’s worth the heartache knowing when you go home that this could be it for the rest of your life. Trotting from one “owner” to another in an endless loop of misery.

Even when one does try to seek a way out, today it’s not so simple. With frequently over 70 applicants going for the same job, it’s a miracle to some to get past the short-listing stage. The only way to get out of your current misery is to parade yourself showing your feathers of employability hoping that Fortuna, just once, deals you the hand you seek.

So what do you do when you are stuck in this seemingly eternal misery?Well I tried to see if I could start building myself a life, but needless to say I’ve come across a road block at the moment. I’m married, happily so but the remainder of my life is miserable. I’m stuck in a town where none of my close friends live. Those who I do consider close are in the far reaches of the corners of the country and even those within reach seem like they are too far away. Perhaps I was hoping the isolation of saving for the wedding would have vanished by now. I have three events in the next two months, and although I will see some of my favourite people, there are still those I will not see for an uncertain period of time. And I would like to see them at some point.

For now I am throwing myself at menial projects that will either only hold my attention for a small while or are meaningless to me even now. Some things I want to develop, for example I am currently doing a pagan discussion group, although I am concerned where it’s going, I am enjoying it and I want to develop what I’m doing to perhaps be able to do my won class someday,albeit in an online environment, it’s still experience, and perhaps, some day, I can lead one in real life. Not only is it helping my personal skills, it’s developing my faith and furthering my beliefs, I’m exploring others beliefs and I’m finding it quite exciting. May it be the only exciting thing in my life at the present. But it’s changing me, I feel I am becoming more me.

I am seeking to change my life though, be it work, career, attitude, happiness. I know I have people who will support me whatever I chose to do, whatever I chose to change, whatever my plans are. And I am grateful to them and I will be over the next few months or years or however long it is it is going to take me to get to where I want to be.

“I will cry repeatedly, but I’ll come out the other side a Brand New Me.”