And this time I mean it.

It's 2012 and I don't think I stuck to a single of my resolutions, if I even made them. I seem to have started that blog entry but never quite got round to posting it. Oh well.

I've been trying to make an effort to get to know myself a bit better. Although 2011 was largely taken up with "omg wedding!" it was a bit of a challenge. I'm not sure if I do know myself any better than I have done. I feel more comfortable in my beliefs, of that I'm sure. But what about the rest of me?

Well I haven't got a new job. It's very difficult to find one at the moment - and trust me I've tried looking. I am very unhappy in my current job. I think everyone who knows me knows this. I've been there for four years now, internal situations are going from bad to worse and I don't foresee it getting any better. I need out - for my health, my mental well being.

I guess that brings me onto my future prospects, which is something I have been thinking about recently. A friend of mine broke the news that they are planning on leaving university, doing a course I would of of thought they would have loved in a very prestigious college for the industry. But it's not what they want to do now, feeling too pressured and feeling like the work being produced isn't good enough. In short, they don't fit the cookie cutter ending they are hoping to achieve. This has struck a chord with me. At the end of last year I started to do an Open University Openings course to see how I could get on with doing proper university work.This course was nothing but an experiment - one which I have failed.

I don't think that education is for me. Don't get me wrong, I love learning, but on my own terms. I am struggling with the distance learning, with the fact I have no one really to talk to about my work beyond my tutor and some faceless entities on a forum. I don't have a class in which I can have active discussions, nor someone to turn to when I don't understand the wording of a question. I think if I want to do a proper degree then it is going to have to be back to old way, back to university which is something I cannot, and probably will never be able to, afford. Although my experiment has essentially failed, I at least have learnt my boundaries. Unfortunately it means I am back to square one with where I'm going in life. Having 4 years in the legal field under my belt kinda makes me feel as if I'm squished into this corner of the market - and it's not somewhere I want to stay.

I have probably previously said that I don't want to be a secretary, or at least no one in the local authority. I would like to be part of a company or organisation that allows people to grow in whichever way they feel would benefit them. But I could settle for a change of scenery.

I still don't know what I want to do though. I've started reading a book which was recommended to me by a friend called The Element: How finding your passion changes everything by Ken Robinson. It was recommended to me by the same friend who has decided to leave University, a decision made after reading this book. So it made me stop and thing "what are my passions?". So I sat and thought. And thought. And thought for a very long time before realising, I don't have one. There isn't one thing in this world that I could really call a passion. I have moments of being utterly obsessed with history, or art, or nature. A couple of years ago I would of said my passion was Emilie Autumn, but that vacancy had already been filled and it wouldn't have been something I could of pursued.

I don't technically have hobbies. I read, a lot. I make jewellery, when the mood takes me. I cook, largely out of necessity. What else can I say I do? I sit on Facebook. That's not a passion. I talk to friends on MSN. I occasionally write when the notion takes me or I get an idea. I'm good at coming up with ideas for stories and the like but they never get anywhere. I'd like to think that perhaps my calling is to be a writer but I suck at it. Beyond getting one poem published by fluke pretty much. I used to write so much when I was younger, always writing up stories, the Phantom of Roberton comes to mind I have to say as my "epic". Now there is nothing inside me that wants to create the story. I get so far, think it's crap and give up. And I think that is a problem with a lot of my life, with anything I have taken up, if I'm not good at it I give up. I have given up on a lot of things. I could list everything I've taken up in the last few years but the list would be too long!

I really want to get to the end of this year, being in a new place. I want to be in a new job, I want to have found this elusive passion of mine. I want to have a future I can see actually happening. I want to be happy, that's essentially what it all boils down to. I've got married, I have an incredible husband who I know will support me.

I think it's about time I took charge of my life. 2012 is the year I finally get happy!