So my last blog I decided that I didn’t believe, I couldn’t believe. I felt almost ready to turn my back on what I had called myself for so long. Wicca, Witchcraft, Paganism, it was all just a fad. None of it really meant anything to me, it was just something I was really interested in learning and that was it. I have books I’ve never read, they looked like they would be an interesting addition to my shelf, or perhaps I had the intention to read them but my mind had wandered off elsewhere to something less complex.

I like to think that that is part of my problem. I lack taking things seriously. Although I have to say I have improved slightly with a heightened interested in politics and what is going on in Government and the whole Wikileaks thing. I’m taking an interest in the student protests and fees, the way the police are reacting, the way the Governments democracy is going to pot in the Coalition government. Con-Dem’ed indeed. And I would like to believe that my acknowledgement of such things is leading me to be more mature than I would have previously considered myself. Most importantly, I believe that I am developing my own views on these issues, and almost feel I am getting close to a point where I could say what I believe and why I believe that. Well, as far as the Government and political views go anyway.

I would like to be at that stage with the rest of the aspects of my life, including spirituality. I know that there is a spiritual part of me and I know that I need to go out and try to discover it. That’s what I had tried to do before but I don’t think my method worked. I remember readings somewhere that there is only so much you can learn from a book. I’m not sure what subject that was regarding, it could be from a lot of things I guess. But for me I feel that it references to my study in spirituality and in Wicca and Witchcraft.

I have frequently said that I don’t think I would feel comfortable with performing ritual or magic. How do I know? My more recent involvement with magic has been ziltch. Absolutely nadda. My experience before was with a spell printed off the internet because it looked “cool”. I sat at my fireplace on a holiday afternoon when no one else was home and performed a wish spell. I think I was 14 and as yet Johnny Depp still hasn’t come knocking, so I really don’t think it worked. But with my tools as the fire, a bowl from the kitchen, paper torn out a note book and that was pretty much it. I had no knowledge of magical protection, no knowledge on how to properly perform any type of magic. I knew nothing of intent that needs to go into magic, I knew nothing of the rule of three, when what goes out comes back. I knew nothing of raising energy in a circle to be released when the spell is cast. I also know it is worthless asking for anything that wouldn’t happen in real life. So Johnny Depp is out I guess.

I have learnt a lot about Wicca and Witchcraft through reading. I think I am too scared to take the next step, I don’t want to be. If this is where I think I lie I want to go and find out whether it’s real or not and the only way to find out if I truly believe in magic is to find out if it exists surely?

I know that before now I have had aspects of the God and Goddess appear before me. The God as Cernnunos and the Goddess as Isis. This probably makes me sound crazy, so be it. I have either felt their presence or seen a manifestation. I can’t really ignore these. I’ve experienced this therefore I believe. I did say in my last blog if I ever find I can’t believe in magic or witchcraft that I would never lose my faith in Paganism at least. There is so much beauty in the world that is natural and pure. It’s really hard to not believe in what is right in front of you.

I guess with my recent thoughts on spirituality I am maturing through that. I am not taking what I read for granted and I actually want to discover who I am now, and what I believe, without taking every single book for granted. I knew that this is something that I would be faced with eventually but I never knew when it would come, now it’s making sense. I have got to the stage where I can sit back and go “Woah, wait a minute” and really look into what it is I’m reading and know deep down inside that I either can or cannot believe in something right away.

 But I it’s time to stop thinking and reading and to actually do. It’s going to take a lot for me to take this step, I don’t know when I’ll get there. I will probably go back to reading for a little bit, try and narrow some bits down, expand into Buddhism and other pagan paths and see what leads me where.

It’s all just part of the adventure.