This isn't my main focus for this blog but I thought I'd get this bit out of the way :)

Been back on my diet for nearly a week now and I'm surviving! I haven't been totally starving the whole time (just mildly...). I've tried a couple of new dishes this week and plan on doing them again. Generally been pretty positive! I even managed to get on the cross trainer tonight. So fingers crossed, all will go well.



And now to our main feature.

Over some days in January and in March Emilie Autumn has toured the UK. Did I go? Did I fuck. But I found it hard. While the woman will quite frankly be despised in my opinion, I missed going to the gigs.

An Emilie Autumn gig is so much more than going to a gig. Especially when me and my mates are involved. It means going to cities far and wide, staying over night in hostels, causing havoc, meeting new people, being insane, and an extraordinarily large amount of fun. And that's just the half of it. There is the dressing up, the queuing, the excitement of just being there. Now I sit flicking through someone's photos of yesterday and I miss it. I almost feel like I'd go for the experience but be left feeling empty were I to not go to the gig.

When I denounced Emilie the gigs hadn't been announced, there was no news on the book ever coming out. These were big things I had been looking forward to. Not letting myself order the book killed me, but I refused to let any more of my money go towards her. Gigs were announced and at the time I thought nothing of them. £50 for VIP? No thank you. Why should I pay the extra privilege  to meet her when I've met her four times in the past. I don't care if she's reading from the book. But once upon a time I did.

When the gigs got closer and I saw Facebook statuses of people arranging trains and buses and hotels I started to feel jealous. I was missing out. The last 3 times Emilie has been to the UK I had seen her 4. Camping out in cold queues all day, having mad adventures around London or Birmingham. Even getting stranded in Reading for an extra day because I couldn't get home.

I left Emilie after the International Meet up in London 2009. On that day we were all there in her name, I had the most amazing time with old friends and new. I met so many people I had wanted to meet for a very long time and hopefully made some lasting friendships. At the moment I feel that I might never see some of them again. Having detached myself from Emilie have I also isolated myself from them? I don't think I'll ever go to another International Meet Up - not unless it was UK based and just down the road.

I haven't listened to Emilie's music since September 09. 6 months ago. Now I'm scared to listen to it. Not long after I left the forums etc I sold my entire CD collection. All limited editions. Most of them signed. I got a fortune and spent it quite happily on a trip to Brussels where I got engaged. What would happen were I to put on her music now? Would I suddenly rush back to her? Would I instantly regret selling or giving away everything I had with Emilie's name on it and spend all my money to get it back? I am scared I will get to a point where I am sitting in a queue to her gig and wondering what the fuck I've done. That I had a temporary lapse and that all is forgiven. Perhaps the fact that I am writing this means I already have some doubt in my head.

Perhaps once the aftermath of the gigs has gone these feelings will vanish. Maybe I will laugh at thinking that I could be thinking of such things.

Perhaps deep down I just miss having a good time with my friends. And as a lot of those good times were in Emilie's name maybe I'm just having difficulty separating the two events.

I miss you guys, you know who you are. If you read this. Don't forget me.