That is what I wrote on 3rd January this year. At this point I had put on 7lb over Christmas. Not that bad I thought considering I had let everything go and just ate and ate and ate. Of course since stepping on the scales upon returning to work that was the last time I went near them until 22nd February. I squeaked and stared in disbelief. "They are broken, they must be. They can't be right!" But they were. I had put another half stone on bringing me so close to my original weight.

Lets go further back that two weeks ago. On holiday March 2008 I was on holiday, in a bikini. Now I wasn't fond of my figure then but I thought sod it, I'm on holiday. I don't care! I saw the photos and was horrified. "I need to do something about that" I thought. I didn't get far beyond that thought. 2 months after I went to the doctors for a pill check. I stood on the scales and the nurse took note of my weight. You've put on a stone in three months. I what? I was 13st 6lb. I hadn't been that heavy before and I was shocked. I was having issues with blood pressure at the time so I was in and out the doctors fairly frequently. I didn't realise I had put on so much weight. I went home and told my boyfriend. He told me he would support me in my weight loss endeavours. We looked at weighing out a portion of chips (going by the packed) I saw how little was on the tray and I burst out crying. There was approximately half the amount of chips on that tray to what I'm used to. I soon realised that this was a normal portion. I was used to eating for two.

I toyed with dieting. I started and stopped. "I'll get right back on it once that party is out the way, once I've come back from being away with mum, once I get past the three birthdays coming up at work." August that year I went to visit my mum in Scotland. She had a few bits and pieces for me to help with weight loss, she had photocopied the PEP book for me and promised she would get me a check book and my own PEP book. I don't live anywhere near Scotland any more so visiting a class is impossible. We looked at the books together, I worked out what points i was allowed on my current weight (miraculously I hadn't gone up any since my weigh in at the doctors) and I vowed when I got the rest through I would start.

A week or so later I got my check book and PEP book. I spent a good while going through it but I was so perplexed by it all. But i took it step by step, I went through it all with my boyfriend as well so I could make healthy meal choices. By the beginning of February 2009 I had lost my first stone (with a break in between of dieting for Christmas!) I was thrilled. 12st 6lb was incredible. I was feeling differences in my clothes and for the first time in a very long time I felt like I had a waist. My parents visited and commented how good I looked. I felt great. I went further and dropped down to 11st 10lb. Again I was thrilled to be on that side of 12 stone. I still had a way to go before I was at my target weight, but I felt great. I found that as I started dieting it got better. I wasn't feeling like I was starving myself, I found new things to eat that would fill me up for longer and I could easily pass chocolate and coke.

I guess it all went down hill over Christmas. With various nights out and Christmas day its self, not to mention a heavily catered New Years party with more pudding that I'd care to see again, its all gone back on. Well not all, but nearly. I am still 12lb away from what I was when I started which is great. 2lb more and I'll have gone back to losing that stone. But I am finding it so difficult.

However, this time around I have incentive. Well, better incentive.

On 16th October 2009 my boyfriend took me up the steps of the most gorgeous cathedral I have ever seen, in Brussels. He got down on bended knee and asked me to marry him. I said yes, and most of Brussels heard me. I was ecstatic. I still am. To know I have the most gorgeous diamond ring on my finger and the love of my life wants me to be there forever is a wonderful feeling.

It wasn't until after I thought of wedding dresses and how I would love to be skinny again. I'll start after Christmas I thought. Get it all out of the way, plenty was happening between October and Christmas that trying to diet would be futile.

So here I am now. 12 stone 8lb (until I stand on the scales tomorrow) and hoping that I can change the way I eat again and get down to the elusive 10st I crave to be again. I was there once. I can get there again.

I was just wondering to myself whether I have an emotional attachment to food. I do tend to eat when I get stressed at work, usually chocolates or biscuits. Whatever comes to hand. I think I do have a habit of eating through whatever emotion I face. I'll eat if I'm happy, tired, sad, stressed, angry, complacent...whenever. I guess this is something I should try and control on the way.

So I start again tomorrow - anew, a fresh whatever. I just hope I can get to where I want to be this time without any set backs.