Ever since I was younger I’ve always had magnificent ideas in my head of things I’ve wanted to do. I remember when I was about 9 or 10 deciding very determinedly that I was going to be astrophysicist. Now anyone who knows me now will find that to be a very laughable thing but I was serious. I sat reading through the work we’d done on a Space project last year while my brother sat on laughing telling me it was just a phase.

The next week I was back to wanting to be a vet.

The other day when I was tidying out a section of my spare room (which is “my room” if you were, my computer is in here, my witch books, my pinboard). I found in there at least 3 different projects I had started and never really got anywhere with.

The first thing I stumbled across was “Beginners Latin” printed off from the National Archives. I’d printed this because I was going to be reading lots of really old documents at the record office. Well as you can imagine this never happened, I never finished the Beginning Latin, and I’ve yet to make it to the record office.

The next thing I found was some Ancestry records and house history information. A while ago I had perchance looked up my home on there and found this chap called George Willitts and his family who lived here from 1851 – 1891, that I found anyway. And I looked him up, I found out information about him and a fellowship, I found out one of his son’s went off to live in Gloucestershire and worked with a Workhouse, that his daughter became the teacher of a school on this very street, that the record office has photographs of them all, that they lost at least 3 children due to the infant mortality rates of the day. It was really really interesting, and I know there is more I can discover. For example, that was only half of this current property; I still had number 40 to search. But it stopped and never happened. I bought a house history kit too to discover more about this house, the title deeds from 1700’s are in the records office too. I still haven’t seen them.

The other thing I found was my attempts to learn Theban. Theban is called the Witches Alphabet and was first published in the 16th Century. It’s a wonderful script and today witches use it f or spellcasting and writing their books of shadows to keep it’s contents hidden from prying eyes. When I first did this I did well, I could write Theban and write it back though it did take a little while.  I had translated Harry Potter passages off the internet into Theban for translating. But soon that too was forgotten in favour of something more shiny no doubt.

I can’t help but feel that I’ve kinda taken this approach to loads of aspects of my life. Like my spirituality, I know I’ve been umming and ahhing about that for quite some time, partly because I didn’t know quite what I believed . Some days I would be very into it, read and read, research on the internet, the next I’d find something else to do. Or I wouldn’t have time. And I think that’s the killer.

Time. Who ever has enough time? Who can honestly say they have the time to achieve every little thing they want to do in life? Monday – Friday it’s up in the morning, work 9-5, home and domestic duties, dinner, washing up, washing, tidying. Me and Andy like to stop and watch DVD’s or TV shows when we have dinner. Sometimes I get as little as a half hour in the evening to myself. Is this enough time for anything? Well I could sit and read a book, or if I was incredibly forward thinking and was prepared I could do a ritual. Or I could stop and learn some Theban or Latin for about 20 minutes before checking Facebook and heading to bed.  Currently I usually have Tuesday evenings free to myself as Andy goes out to a gaming club and what do I do? Sit on the internet. I talk to friends, I’ll watch the odd thing on iPlayer, and occasionally I might play a game or watch something on youTube. But most of the time, I’m on Facebook, Tumblr or my current distraction, SecondLife. The latter however I go on for education. Children of Artemis, a UK based International Witch Community, run workshops and lessons on there which is brilliant. It’s because of them I know exactly what I am. But sometimes I sit there for ages for someone to talk to, and when I get bored I just skydive off the Eiffel Tower. You can do that you know.

This blog again was a project and although I’ve actually manage to keep posting in it while I remember, or get accosted by people on Facebook, I still consider it a failed project. My initial intention was to post to it every month and I’ve failed in that aspect. I know at the moment I have more pressing concerns but still. I didn’t do what I said I was going to do and I hope that I can correct that in the coming months.
My inability to follow projects through to the end concerns me and I’m worried about how it’s going to affect my future. I have plans for the future, I do. I want kids, I want to study and I want to do something with my life. But what’s to say that after one module of learning my passion for history suddenly fades? Who’s to say that I won’t change my mind about having kids a moment too late? What if I can’t manage being a mum? If I complain about lack of time to do anything now when I have kids I won’t have time for anything. If I feel like my desires are just “phases” how do I get myself out of the rut I’m stuck in to know that I can carry something on?

I had this problem with the Oxfam Group I joined. I loved it, I did but I left because I felt like I couldn’t carry it on. Like it was just my project for the time and unfortunately I let people down because of it. I don’t want to let anyone down by my shortcomings again. Especially me, and I know I will be the one let down the most.

So I’m going to go back to one of my projects, I don’t know which one yet, possibly Theban as I feel it’s one of the easier, or pick something new that’s relevant to where I want to be, and I’m going to complete it.